Last week, I signed up for the 20th (as of now) most popular site in the world, and quickly got sucked into the craze of eBay bidding, a common newfound-addiction for newbies like me. Although I really didn’t need one, I decided to go for an iPod Touch 16GB, despite me already owning a 30GB iPod and a Chocolate phone, both excellent music players (the iPod which I rarely use anymore — it just fills the space in my drawer — and the cell which I use 99% to text rather than listen to my tunes). However, a Touch is a Touch (trumped only by the iPhone, but even that lacks the desired capacity), even if it costs double the price of a regular iPod for half the memory. And speaking about the price…well, on eBay, it sells for a hundred-plus bucks less on average compared to buying one at an authorized Apple dealer. Yes, I know that I was being blatantly hypocritical, but the iPod Touch is just. too. gorgeous…!!!

So in my mad spurt of obsession over getting one of these babies in my hands, I accidentally bid and won an iPod Touch EIGHT gigabyte. Here’s how it happened, exactly: Looking around for 16GBs with low bids, I somehow come across a listing for an 8GB, which I don’t REALIZE until afterwards. Testing the waters and generally playing up some bidder, I jack the price from $200 to $270. Several hours later, I literally awake from my slumber, power on my notebook, and open Firefox to see that this bidder outbid me just minutes ago by $5. Keep in mind that I’m still about 35-40% asleep, and it’s an 8GB which I presumed to be 16GB for some inane reason; you can probably guess what happened next. Muttering (and this is verbatim) “WTF does this guy think he is…”, I automatically place a bid of $280. Then, it hits me that it’s a 16GB. As a result, for the next few hours, I frantically refresh the listing page in the desperate hopes of someone else being stupid enough to bid higher ($280 + S&H is not exactly a bargain when the damn thing sells at regular price for $300 sans S&H). Well, Lady Luck was definitely on my side that day, because I ended up winning, to my complete disbelief (at my incompetence) and to my friends’ complete humour (we were in lecture). It was pretty bad, but it wasn’t entirely bad because I had figured a plan to get rid of the 8GB in the predicted event that I would win it. The plan was to sell it on Facebook Marketplace for a few bucks more than it would cost me to pay for this on eBay, just so I wouldn’t lose any money on an item that I never wanted in the first place.

Thus, my Facebook listing went up ASAP, and I quickly received a bunch of messages from interested buyers, the only problem being that about 80% of them thought I was selling an iPhone for only $330. But then I got a message from a certain “Rose Becky” of Phoenix, Arizona:

I couldn’t believe my eyes. We all know what Nigerians are notorious for: scamming, on eBay more specifically. But Facebook?! That was a total shock to me. Normally, I would’ve gone along with it and pretended to accept this Rose’s offer, but the one thing that annoyed me was how piss-poor-professional these Facebook scammers operated; no creativity, no slyness, no motivation to even attempt to sound legit. Seriously, what kind of white woman from Arizona (of ALL places, come on) in a first-world country would have a child schooled in West Africa and request a purchased item to be sent to a third-world country? And why would a woman named Rose have an email that belongs to a “Scott Nelson”? It’s like this scammer is secretly trying to tell me that he’s conducting fraud in the hopes that I’ll catch on and report him and get him arrested and thrown in jail so that he’ll be free from his criminal temptations. Or the simpler theory would just be that he’s a tool, period. So after receiving said spam/scam message, I sent back this reply (and added it to the FAQ for jokes):

I know you guys infest like pests on eBay, but Facebook?! Come on, show a little creativity or something, dumbass. You might as well write “SCAMMER” all over your forehead, because I can spot this fraud from a mile away.

So that’s one part of today’s story about spam. Intermission’s over, let’s move on to the second.

As Angry Chinese Driver’s popularity increases, so does the amount of spam comments I receive (what would I do without Akismet, the spam detector!). I hate spam, like 99% of the rest of us who have morals and standards of decency, but I can understand why it exists. I don’t get surprised when spamming assholes fill their “comments” on my site with porn links, because some desperate guy might be reading my site and come across the comment and proceed to help the spammers profit, but what I really don’t understand is spam that has links to ED pills and money loans, like this one:

Do these spammers truly believe that someone reading Angry Chinese Driver is also one who will be concerned about sucking (no pun intended) in bed, and/or about their finances (or lack thereof)? Because I certainly don’t. And even if the reader does have such concerns, they won’t see the links and instantly think, “Damn, let’s go to these sketchy sites and give my credit card number to buy Viagra, or to get cash quick, even though I could do it for much cheaper, faster, safer, and generally better at credible sites or even at a store!” This I can undoubtedly put my money where my mouth is — er, where my fingers are.

I wish spam was limited to the mystery luncheon meat in tin cans, which Hawaiians apparently love to death (there’s even Spam sushi — now that’s passion).

Oh P.S., About the iPod Touch 8GB I won, the seller was kind enough to cancel the transaction after my request. I’ve learned my lesson as a total n00b eBayer, no more careless bidding for me. And I’ve lost interest in Touches completely, now. Whatever.