Here is another article that I consider a classic; it’s one of the early posts from my old site that really defined my writing techniques. Though the time period in which I posted this was when the fifth-generation Apple iPod first came out and I bought it, new iPod models have recently come out, making this article at least mildly relevant. Also, my AppleCare warranty has come to an end (more or less these couple of days). Originally posted on December 1, 2005.

When one thinks of buying an iPod, what do they think? After facing bombardments of iPod Commercials on every screen possible, does the thought “loads of fun listening to music, watching videos and pictures, and looking cool” linger in your mind? Well it sure did in mine. And hell, was I in for a fun surprise.

Part One: Apple Customer Service Equivalent to Wiping Your Ass

I was never meant for an iPod from the day that I set my sights on it. During last summer (2005) when I wanted an iPod Mini, I somehow coincidentally lacked the money for it (I had purchased a couple hundred bucks worth of something else). Maybe I should have seen that as a signal, but I was oblivious to it.

When the iPod nano came out, I was ecstatic. I was hoping to be able to cough up a few hundred big ones, but then BAM! The fifth-generation iPod Video came out, which was another $80. Thus, more saving up dough, and ultimately no iPod. Another subtle hint, I guess.

When I did finally get around to getting my iPod (Video), it took more than three weeks to ship (the maximum ETA). However, the battery was defective from the moment I opened the iPod box (battery didn’t hold charge AT ALL), so after about a week or so of frustration, I sent it back for repairs. Purolator came the day after to whisk away my beloved mp3 player (hey, that’s what it really is), and I haven’t seen it since*. I purchased it in mid-October, got it end of October, sent it back the first week of November.

The Apple site informed me that repairs would only take two weeks MAXIMUM. Well, after three weeks of patient waiting (I even managed not to think about it), I decided that there was something wrong. And here is where the roller coaster of hell flies over the run: I called Apple Tech Support (free of charge, I think…hope) where I had a lovely chat with an Apple Representative. Here are some excerpts [words in brackets are what I said in my head]:

me: Hi, I’d like to ask why [the friggin’ hell] my iPod has taken more than three weeks for repairs, even though your site claimed that it should take no more than two weeks.

Apple rep: Umm…please hold on a second while I check your status. [Super long pause…you better not have hung up on me, you douche!] Well, it seems that we’ve lost trace of your iPod after shipping it overseas [i.e. on the way to China] for repairs. [WTF! YOU ASSHOLES!] How ‘bout we call you tomorrow when you find it?

me: [You sons of bitches! I’m gonna *insert every profane word and threat in English and French here while going apeshit*] Oh, okay thanks.

THE NEXT DAY

me: Hi, yesterday I called in to check on my iPod status, and the representative told me that they lost it and that they would call me back today, but they still haven’t.

Apple rep: Well, the representative was wrong. Your iPod is not lost, it’s actually on backorder. [Is it any surprise that my bullshit detector is ringing like mad?]

me: Well, then when [the friggin’ hell] am I going to get my iPod back?!

Apple rep: We don’t know, backorders have no ETA. We’ll repair your iPod as fast as we can.

me: [Like hell you will, you cheap bastards…] Arghhh…okay fine thanks.

So, as you can see, I was screwed over big time. First of all, how the hell can I be told two different things? Something must be up (I think that a job requirement to be an Apple Customer Support Representative is to be able to bullshit fluently). Secondly, how the hell can REPAIRS be on backorder? Wouldn’t that mean tons and tons of iPods need repair, inferring that iPod quality is garbage?

OR…the more logical explanation would be that I have to put up with all this red tape is because I had the nerve to send it back for repairs. I mean honestly, WHO has problems with their iPod (other than scratches) [note: sarcasm]? You didn’t see any iPod Commercial Person getting frustrated over a defective battery, did you? No, because there AREN’T any problems! Apple is like an abusive spouse…fight back and get beat even harder.

Part Two: Apple Inc., Also Known As “The Greediest Company In The Whole Wide World Inc.”

I don’t even know where to begin. So let us begin with a bit of iPod history then, with specific focus on iPod Accessories. Firstly, buying an Apple iPod (I won’t even wander into Mac or other Apple territory; I’ll let someone else rip them up) is like buying yourself into a sick, insane cult…except that instead of dressing hardcore gothic and slitting your wrists, you dress in the latest GAP wear with your signature white iPod headphones (complete with a matching scarf and parka), and you slit open your Visa statement envelopes in the hopes that YES! you’re the day’s winner of the Win What You Buy contest! (If life were like that, I wouldn’t need to be writing this verbal harassment against Apple.)

Anyway, as I was saying, once you buy an iPod, you MUST have the accessories. And when I say “must”, I imply must and must. “Must” as in you see the Accessories and you go “HOLY CRAP! I GOTTA GET THAT BECAUSE IT’S SO COOL AND IT MATCHES MY iPOD!”, and “Must” as in “If I don’t get this damn accessory then I’m screwing up my iPod.” As in having to buy a stupid Apple USB Power Adapter (aka an iPod CHARGER) for 50 bones because it doesn’t come with the damn iPod, because apparently, charging it with your computer kills its battery life!

Oh right…back to the history. When the iPod was at its peak with its third-generation iPod, it had THE WORKS: iPod that came with a charger, a dock, a case, and a remote (and probably more). As the iPods got better, the packaging got smaller. Sure, blame it on the reduced box size, but c’mon, there’s GOTTA be a way to keep those accessories in there! One by one, they disappeared from the package…first the remote, then the dock, and now the charger (the case is still here, but now it’s a crappy suede one that scratches the living hell out of your iPod). If you were to buy those three accessories today at the Apple Store…well, hope that the drug deal cashed in big time. Of course, you can still charge your iPod through the computer, but it is recommended that “you use an Apple USB Power Adapter to prolong the life of your iPod”, according to many iPod users and APPLE. Yup, those greedy bastards went ahead and spat it in your face: “Buy more of our products which should have come with your iPod but we decided to take it out because we really need that money to fuel our lavish lifestyles!” I predict that the next iPod won’t have a case, then no headphones, and finally, no iPod! You’ll pay $400 just for the box, then you’ll have to cough up another $400 for the actual iPod! Then when you get it, the battery will be defective! Then you’ll send it for repairs and not get it back until after a couple months! Yay!

Now, enough about accessories. I think you’ve heard enough. But if you thought that was bad, wait till you hear about…customer support! “Apple offers one complimentary call to customers.” What is supposed to come after is (and when I called in to ask how I can get my iPod repaired the rep said this:) “this is your complimentary call, so any call after is $49.99, or you can buy the AppleCare Package for $189.99 which will give you unlimited calls.” Nice, eh? Customer support costs you money. I guess what Apple is trying to say is “you don’t need to call because there’s nothing wrong with our products!” That’s like pulling the Communist government card: “NO need for political dissent because we live in UTOPIA!”

There’s a lot more I can say about Apple, but I don’t want to, I’ve said enough. I’m not anti-iPod, since as you’ve probably noticed I value it more than my life (actually I don’t, but bear with me). I’m just anti-Apple-being-a-big-bully-thinking they-can-get-away-with-monopolizing-even-though-it’s-been-proven-to-screw them-over-big-time-in-the-past. If Apple operated as honestly as, say Mozilla, then it would be a dream company. But it isn’t, no thanks to Steve Jobs, and it’s like a Microsoft except more ridiculously concentrated amounts of a-holeness in certain areas of the company (aka iPod Support and Accessories).

As a final thought, I tried searching for a way to contact Apple and complain about their worse-than-crap service, but I had absolutely NO luck in finding such a phone number, address, or email. I don’t think a complaint page even exists. In fact, the closest is a “Website Feedback” page, where you can “send a comment or compliment about the Apple Store” (”NO complaining, bitches,” says Apple).

Don’t buy an iPod unless you’re willing to undergo the same amount of hairloss and fingernail biting as I endured.

*I got my iPod back 45 days later, longer than Noah had been in his great Ark while the planet was drowned.